The Pie-Thief
by prucanada
Summary: Matt just wants to bake some delicious homemade goodies for his friends and family this holiday season. Why do his pies keep disappearing? And why does his boyfriend seem so shifty about it all? A silly PruCan one-shot.


**Author's Note:** _This is my Secret Santa fic for this year's PruCan gift exchange on Tumblr! The prompt was "Matthew tries to bake but Gilbert keeps eating everything." This was a lot of fun to write, and it's probably one of the silliest things I've written._

 _Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Friday. Please enjoy!_

* * *

"...Where did the pie go?" Matthew's eyes ran over the kitchen counters, scanning for his misplaced apple pie. Concerned, he picked up the toaster, just in case the big dessert had somehow slid underneath the tiny two-slice device or something. "It was just here a couple of minutes ago. Gilbert, did you see it?"

"No." Gilbert's voice sounded muffled, as if he was talking around a mouthful of something. Matthew turned slowly, setting the toaster back down and narrowing his eyes at his boyfriend.

"Gilbert."

Gilbert glanced away, swallowing. "...I didn't see any pie."

"Gilbert. How did you eat an entire pie that quickly?"

"There was no pie."

"Right." Matthew shook his head with a sigh and turned back to his baking. "I'm making another pie. Pumpkin, this time. Do you think anything will happen to this one?"

Gil shrugged, pretending nonchalance. "I don't know. I guess it depends on if you can keep track of it, huh?"

Matt scoffed, picking up a wooden spoon. His boyfriend thought he was being sneaky, eh? Well, he'd just have to keep an eye on his baked goods from now on.

* * *

A little while later, Matthew set a freshly-baked pumpkin pie on the counter, smiling at his handiwork. "There we go," he said. "What are the holidays without a few pumpkin pies, after all." He shot a look at Gil, who still sat at the kitchen table, a book in front of him and a pair of reading glasses perched on his nose. "This pie will remain intact. It is for Christmas dinner, alright?"

Gil nodded. "Sure, sure," he said absently. Matt smiled again; it seemed Gil wasn't paying him much attention. Maybe the pie would survive, then.

Matt turned back to his baking, picking up a mixing bowl. Should he make another pie, or maybe a cake? Ah, what the heck, he'd make both! Baking goodies was definitely one of Matthew's favorite things about the holidays. Of course, he baked throughout the rest of the year, too, but certain recipes just couldn't be made in, say, July, or February.

He'd make an apple cake. It was one of his brother's favorite cakes, and since he'd be here in a couple of days, it would be a nice treat. He started peeling an apple, humming under his breath.

* * *

A few minutes later, he'd started making the batter. He turned to get the sugar, then stopped-the pumpkin pie was missing! Matt looked around quickly, but there was no sign of it; not even an empty pie plate! He glared at Gil.

"Are you a goat?"

Gil looked up from his book. "A goat? Why would I be a goat?"

"You seem to have eaten two entire pies and at least one pie tin." Matt raised an eyebrow at him.

Gilbert scoffed. "Mattie, I'd never!" There was a small speck of orange on the corner of his lip. Pumpkin.

Matthew stepped closer. "...You've got something on your face." Leaning down, Matt kissed Gil on the lips, removing the speck of pumpkin. Gil blushed, then smirked.

"Mattie, if you wanted a kiss, all you had to do was-"

"Stop eating my baked goods. Where do you even _put_ an _entire_ pie? _Two_ entire pies?"

"I'm tellin' ya, I don't-"

"Cake. I'm making apple cake next. If the apple cake comes up missing, I will tell Al exactly _why_ he does not have an apple cake. You don't want that, do you, Gil?" Matt gave him his most threatening glare.

Gil laughed. Darn. Matt really needed to work on his threatening glares. "Sure, Mattie, sure. Careful not to misplace it, then!" He returned to his book, humming off-key.

Matt turned away, muttering under his breath, and picked up his apple cake recipe. He'd show Gil. Oh yes, he'd show him...

* * *

The apple cake was done. Matt set it gently on the counter, proud. Al would definitely be pleased with this cake. Of course, Al liked just about everything (save wheat crackers, raisins, and a few select vegetables), but he especially liked Matt's apple cakes. It was a special recipe, passed down from their grandmother.

Matt set down a second, identical cake, then carefully checked over his shoulder. Gil had left the room a few minutes again, presumably to retrieve another book, having finished the first one. He was still gone; good. Quickly, Matt opened up one of the overhead cabinets and lifted the first cake up, sliding it inside. He shut the door, glanced over his shoulder again-still no Gil-and then turned back to the stove. He grinned evilly to himself.

The second cake had been laced with cayenne pepper and sriracha. You wouldn't be able to tell by looking at it, as he'd cleverly added a layer of untainted batter over the top of the fiery batter before baking it. It smelled like a normal cake, too.

He rubbed his hands together, snickering quietly to himself. Gilbert wouldn't suspect a thing.

"What're you giggling about over there, Mattie?"

Matt spun around. "Nothing! Just...I think Al will really like this apple cake." He smiled pleasantly at Gil. "And I sure hope nothing happens to it before he gets here." He gave Gil a pointed look, and Gil laughed.

"Well, I don't know what _could_ happen to it. Just make sure no cake thieves get it." Gilbert walked forward and wrapped his arms around Matt, hugging him tightly. Startled, Matt laughed, then returned the favor.

"Right, cake thieves." Matt squeezed Gil, ducking his head to nuzzle into Gil's neck. "Well, I don't know about cake thieves, but I've got a master _pie_ -thief right here!" He squeezed harder. Gilbert winced.

"Hey, hey, I'm tellin' ya, I don't know about any pies!" Gil slipped out of Matt's hold, eyes shifty. "No pies. Nope. Haven't seen a single pie all day."

"Mm-hm."

"I haven't!"

"Of course, Gil." Matt turned away from both his boyfriend and the sabotaged cake, picking up the used dishes and carrying them to the sink for a cleaning. Turning on the water, he smirked to himself. If the pattern repeated, then soon Gil would steal that cake to wherever he'd been stealing Matt's scrumptious baked goodies, bite into the soft, warm apple cake, and, a moment or two later, discover Matthew's eye-watering secret ingredients. It was fool-proof.

Matthew scrubbed his bowls and pans and listened carefully, waiting for Gil's shriek of surprise. Several minutes passed. He put away the dishes and turned around, frowning. There was Gilbert, seated quietly at the table with his book and a mug of hot cocoa. The cake was missing from the counter. Matthew blinked.

"Gil!"

"What?" He didn't look up from his book, simply adjusting his glasses and turning a page.

"How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"How did you eat that entire cake?"

"What cake?" Gil glanced up from the book briefly, then continued reading.

"Oh, don't give me that!" Matthew strode over to him and leaned on the table, peering closely at Gil. "How did you eat an entire cake laced with spices? With _sriracha?_ Without even breaking a sweat?"

Gil's brow furrowed. "...Why would you put sriracha in a cake? Mattie, are you feelin' alright?" He set his book aside and looked up at Matt, the picture of concern.

Matthew stared back at him for a moment, then sighed and slumped into the chair opposite his. "I give up," he mumbled.

"Give up?" Gil slipped his reading glasses off and set them beside his book, leaning toward Matt.

Matt nodded, slumping forward to rest his forehead on the table. "I give up," he repeated. "There's no way I can beat you."

"Beat me at what?"

"This...food game you're playing! It's driving me crazy! I can't figure out how you eat them so fast, and I _know_ you've been eating them!" He'd caught him twice, once with a mouthful of apple pie, then with the speck of pumpkin on his lip. Gil might have a big appetite, but there was no way he'd be able to stomach two pies and a sriracha-laced cake. No way. Right? Right. ...Right?

Matt groaned and pushed against the table until most of his upper body was laying on top of it.

Gilbert stood, chuckling. "Poor Mattie," he said, and though Matt wasn't looking at him, he could hear the smirk in his voice. "Poor, poor Mattie, misplacing all of his delicious baked goods." He moved closer to him and patted his back, earning a grunt from Matthew, then started out of the kitchen. "It's too bad he can't keep an eye on his delicious food, isn't it?" He went into the living room and opened the little cupboard beneath the coffee table, extracting an apple pie, less one large slice. Carrying it back into the kitchen, he set it on the table, right in front of Matt. "Good thing I, the most awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt, have such a keen sense of smell that I can easily sniff out all of your confections!"

Matt sat up, blinking in surprise. "My apple pie! You didn't eat it! ...Well, all of it." Quickly, he tugged the pie toward him. "You've been hiding them! Where are the rest of them, Gil?"

Laughing, Gilbert grinned, reaching out to gently boop Matthew on the nose. "Now, now, Birdie! Patience is a virtue!"

"Give me my gosh-diddly-darn baked goods, Gil."

"In due time, my dear!" Gil cackled, enjoying himself far too much, and left the kitchen again in a hurry. This time, he moved several books off of the living room bookshelf, pulling most of a pumpkin pie out from behind them. This he presented proudly to Matt. "Pumpkin! It needs some more nutmeg, by the way."

"Who are you to judge? You have a terrible sense of taste." Matthew took that pie, too, holding onto both of the tins, just in case Gil decided to run off with them again. "Now, what about the cake? I'm guessing you didn't take a bite of _that,_ did you?" Now it was Matthew's turn to grin.

Silently, Gilbert walked over to one of the kitchen cupboards near the living room door, taking the cake out and setting it on the table. "No, I didn't. And I'm thinking it was probably a good thing I didn't!" He made a face. " _Sriracha,_ Matt? Really? Sriracha? Were you _trying_ to kill me?"

"Not _kill_ you. Just make you pay for taking all of my desserts." Matt paused. "...You can throw that cake out, by the way. I don't want to accidentally mix it up with the real cake and send our holiday guests running back home."

"No!" Carefully, Gil found the cake pan's lid and covered the cake. "I'll keep it. You never know when you'll have to send Francis or Alfred packing!"

"Shush. You know you feed off their antics. ...So. Is there any particular reason you were hiding my things and making me go crazy?"

Gilbert shrugged. "Fun."

"Fun. Of course, fun." Matt sighed, rubbing his temples and fighting back a smile. Gilbert was weird. The holidays definitely weren't boring with Gil here, at least. He looked up at Gil, shook his head, and asked, "Well, do you want to help me make cookies, then?"

"Cookies! Of course!"

"Okay, okay. Just don't eat them, please."

"Aww, Mattie, you're no fun at all."

"I love you, too. Hoser."

* * *

 **AN:** _Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this. Matt and Gil are my favorite dorky boys, and I love to write them._

 _I'll be posting another one-shot (Not PruCan, amazingly) later today, and hopefully I'll be updating Dedicated and Ace of Spades soon!_

 _Thank you again. Reviews are wonderful, if you have time to write one! :)_


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